So, I’ve been quiet lately.


Things have taken a turn for the worse regarding my mental health, and I have not been able to form a coherent post about the appeal stage eleven months ago. I have taken to repeating to myself that I cannot cope, as it’s the only thing that pushes that physical anguish away by giving it a name. It’s almost a mantra that keeps it from enveloping me completely when it tries. Sometimes I’d rather like that.


But S got a letter this morning, so I’m here. It’s the latest brown envelope from the DWP. I was at work on a late shift, so I only knew about it when I phoned to check he was OK at teatime.

He wasn’t.

I was in a state for the rest of the shift, but thankfully managed to hold most of it back to the dull, deafening half-speed of getting through, until I broke down near the end. I’m lucky that I like and trust my colleagues who were there this evening.

These are his own words from FB,which follow.


Well then.
Latest missive from the dwp.
“We cannot pay you ESA from 13 september 2013.
You are not getting any more income-related ESA.
We cannot pay you because your partner is working 24 hours a week or more. If your partner is working 24 hours a week or more, you are not entitled to ESA as your partner is treated as being in full time employment.

We cannot pay you because you have not paid, or been credited with enough National Insurance contributions

We have used the tax year ending 5th april 2010 and 5th april 2011 to asses your claim.”

So I am to be left destitute now, Is that it? Seriously? Despite the dwp asking me to send in recent wage slips from my wife, who is on a 0 hour contract < the slips were only asked for after i called to find out why I’ve been waiting 5 months for ANY money, earlier this week> Despite the tribunal being found to be in breach of law, depite me having one f***ing eye, and a back that wont stand up to a stiff breeze, They STILL discard me.
I have had a bellyful. I’ve even contemplated killing myself just so no one would have the hassle anymore.
So monday, its on, its on like f***ing donkey kong.
The murderous bastards who are running the whole shebang are evil heinous monsters.

* the people who I have spoken to on the phone though, have been nothing but friendly and helpful*


We are both exhausted and drained from being emotionally stretched tighter and tighter. Each new letter feels like some cruel joke. We know why people in this position are so angry and bitter, and can seem so paranoid and distrustful. Why people feel that they can’t make a difference, that fighting achieves nothing. Why we would be better off without being here because of the pain and misery we are trying to puzzle our way through. Why others tell us we should be cheating the system because that might be our only way of getting by.

I’ve said this before, but I really need to say it again. It’s actually not just the money. It’s about feeling that he is worth something to himself and others, even if it is just enough to get by. It’s about being believed – that he is an honest man and not some sort of cheating scrounger. The system has dragged us along for so long now it actually feels like some sort of punishment. He now describes himself as a shell of a man. He has never done that before. And I have never felt this low and helpless.


Why isn’t my husband entitled to any money at all? Why has he been left in this position? What can’t anyone SEE the damage this is doing? We are so close.